things i used to be afraid of

1. Freddy: The Nightmare On Elm Street series is something I would watch and freak out to as a kid. In one of the various places I lived in as a kid we had a basement. I wouldn't go down there at night because he lived down there. Being in the dark, in general, was really scary because I knew he was lurking. The only other movie I ever saw that scared me as much or more was Communion. I am still afraid of aliens sometimes. Any time anyone starts talking serious about aliens, I still look around corners and wait for them to peek out at me.

I can safely say my knees don't get shaky in dark rooms anymore. That's definitely improvement, people!

2. Driving In The City: When I first got my license, I went to the city a lot...but I never drove there. People who drove in the city were crazy. They had a level of skill in operating vehicles beyond anything I could ever aspire to. Parallel parking? Cha right. I feared getting lost in a maze of one-way streets. People honked a lot. What if I didn't remember where I parked? That is, IF I found somewhere to park. Where my car would get smashed up, broken into or stolen.

I became a master parallel parker and somewhat of a Loop and Lake Shore Drive performance race car driver.

3. Taking The CTA: I took the Metra sometimes, but the el? Heck no. What if I got on at the wrong side of the platform and went the wrong way? I would get mugged. I would sit on a wet seat that was crawling with hep C and bird flu. I had no idea where any stops were and there's no way I'm asking for help and being pegged as a tourist. No freaking way. And buses? Pfft yeah right!! (I actually didn't even start taking buses regularly until a couple years go.)

I carry a Chicago Card and use it an average of multiple times a day. The CTA is my main form of transportation.

4. Riding My Bike In The City: Too many potholes. I would die! Other bikers are assholes. Cars don't watch for bikes. I wouldn't know where I was going, ever. No bearings on city streets, let alone sense of direction. What if I fell off!? My bike would break half way there! And even if I found a place to park my bike near where I was going, it would be stolen within an hour.

I take Lincoln all the way from end to end and through the Loop on a daily basis in temperatures 40 and above in good weather.

5. Heights: Even six feet up would freak me out. I would be on a balcony somewhere and never go near the edge. People would lean over edges and I'd hyperventilate. I would look up at the sky while up high and get serious dizziness slash vertigo. Driving, walking, biking over bridges? Oh heck no. HATED bridges.

I was on a 3rd story roof top recently and stood near the edge with NO railing without pissing my pants. That's HUGE, people. I think the trip to the Sears Tower Skydeck might have cured me.

everything is amazing right now and nobody is happy

As per usual, late to the Louis C.K. party.

printers' ball

Oh look! Another legitimately awesome function in Chicago at which I would feel like a talentless hack. Perhaps if I didn't always feel like a gaping maw of an A-hole around people who do good work in the lit world, I would go. Got big sunglasses. Maybe I'll get a wig. Maybe it will actually be...inspiring.

DIY bridal shower invites

I am the maid of honor in a BFF's wedding. While it is an honor, I am not much of a maid. However, since I am a crafty lady, I hair-brain schemed a nifty way of putting together 40 fancy bridal shower invites for under $40.

First of all, in case you didn't know, Jo-Ann Fabrics Superstores are places for people with too much time on their hands to get things that take a lot of time to make for dirt cheap. I purchased: 1 box of 40 ct decorative blank cards with envelopes, 1 bottle of paper glue, 2.75 yds of wide cream colored lace, 1 "deckle" edging scissors, 1 fleur-de-lis paper punch, 40 decorative envelope seals and 10-15 sheets of cream colored paper.

I downloaded a fancy wedding-y font into Word, created my invite and printed 4 on a page. I cut them out individually using my fancy deckle scissors. 

Using the lace, I got arthritis cutting out little wedding dress shapes that fit on the top of each card. I glued the dresses on the front, went fleur-de-lis crazy and glued the invites to the insides of the cards. BTW, the fleur-de-lis was kind of the secret signature in this whole operation since her jazzy style wedding is going to be in NOLA.

Once they were all done, I noticed how great at math I am (I get paid to be a Financial Analyst!) and I needed a few more than 40. I improvised and cut some of the cards in half and made half cards - which were actually just as bomb as the folded over ones. I got some extra envelopes at the Hallmark for a few cents each. I stuffed them into the envelopes making sure everything was flat, stickered them up with the foil seals, addressed them and handed them off to The Other Maid In Command to get them in the mail.

I seem to be awesome. 

my garbagio salad

pasta, Italian dressing, couple peppers, red onion, green onion, shredded carrots, black pitted olives, cherry tomatoes (cut in half), shredded cheese blend, cubed mozzarella, thick sliced pepperoni, garlic, sliced pepperoncini. Boil the pasta firm. Pour in the entire bottle of dressing with the pasta in a big ol' pot.

Slice up the veg goods. Cook them briefly on super hot skillet with some olive oil and spices. Just a little bit. Toss them in with the pasta and dressing.

Prepare / open the rest of it and toss it in to taste. Mix really well and refrigerate. Guaranteed crowd pleaser. It gets better every day until it's gone. This mixture will feed a large crowd for one day or one large person for a few days or a small person for over a week. Possibly a few weeks if there is an eating disorder involved.

quit harshing on liz phair

"And He Slayed Her"(which isn't that bad, actually)

Exile In Guyville is my favorite album of all time. Funstyle is not. I respect a woman who does her own thing and says what she wants to say. But...

At first, I too didn't know whether to barf on this or love it. My first instinct is to say RIP Liz Phair (again). But after reading some harshings on my girl, I'll tell a little story.

Liz Phair was a potty mouth girl from Chicago with a guitar who accidentally did something big. Real big. She kind of helped start a little sort of revolution in the mid 90s. Androgyny became cool when Exile came out. She didn't mean to, though. She was just singing in her bedroom about dudes and talked to some folks who would record an album with her and so she did some ditties. Then she was like - oh really? They really want me? Seriously? Cool.

She put out a couple more pretty awesome albums and moved to California somewhere in between. She got in with the LA crowd and started making babies and hanging out with Sheryl Crow. There was a lot of the sometimes-lethal combination of figuring out who she is and the LA phenomenon of laser-powered self-absorbed creepshow. She probably had a few spilled cups of $7 soy'd up coffee. A few Fairfax flats. A couple over-produced pappy-crap records and some TV parties she made a fool of herself at. But also a few shining moments as a mom, friend and a superhot sore-thumb-gone-psuedonative in the valley.

She changed, she grew and tada! She's Miss LA-thang-married-or-divorced-to-who-knows-what-big-time-producer and still making music even though she is 'pissed' at the system and obviously viscerally aware that she's not that good or won't receive the same kind of appreciation she used to get. She's laughing at herself and at people who expect her to live up to something she might not have been if it weren't for the timing. So whatever.

It doesn't mean I have to like it, but she's still doing what she wants to do - and if that upsets me or makes me ill, that's not her problem, it's mine. So what. She became a different kind of artist. One that people like for what she used to do. There should be a category for this - because I can name others who do the same thing. It's a completely different expectation from being blown away by someone you've never heard of before - or even someone that still blows you away after decades of listening. Or someone who just blows you.

The point is: she still made my most favorite album of all time. And that's why I still listen to her new stuff when it comes out no matter how pappy it is. Deal with it.